A geezer of royal lineage took a kip on the beach one day,
When his brother from the chippy poured some poison down his way,
And they found his rotted body and declared that he was dead,
Until he rose twice nightly, and this is what he said:
“Oh send for my son, Hamlet, who lives on Morecambe sands,
And tell the lazy bastard he’s got murder on his hands.”
So Hamlet took the Stagecoach bus and arrived in princely style,
And ran into his father’s ghost along the Golden Mile.
He was walking down the darkened front, looking at ‘illuminations,
And there was his old father, standing tall between the stations.
“Yer took yer bleeding time, me lad, get yer arse over to the tower,
And kick yer no-good Uncle out, before the bugger seizes power.
He’s poisoned my chip butty,and had a bit of the other,
And now the slimy bugger’s getting his leg over with yer mother,
So get thee to a nunnery, don’t stand there like a dosser,
Just get yer poisoned dagger out and go and kill the tosser.”
But Hamlet took his Uncle to the show at Central Pier,
And whispered, in soliloquy, “Lenny Henry’s here,
He’s doing his old material and a sketch about a king,
Let’s see if my old Uncle will find, of truth, a ring!”
But alas it all misfired, the show was quite a flop,
And Uncle stopped for donuts at the all-night coffee shop.
“Methinks this is not the reaction of a felon torn with remorse,
Unless the fucker’s lying, a possibility of course!
I’ll challenge him to a duel and put poison in the wine,
It’ll make a brilliant movie, that I can sell sometime.”
So they had their final sword fight, and quite a lot was said,
And every body in the play, they ended up quite dead.