I’m going to write a bestseller, for children agéd nine,
There’ll be wizards, orcs and Gollum-girls in this little book of mine,
My agent’s going to Hollywood to sign me up a deal,
They think I’m fat and female, it’s part of my appeal.
So I’m looking for a fag-hag who looks distinctly Goth,
She must be a size twenty-four with a tattoo of a moth,
I’ll prime her with my info and name her Gail Le Foys,
And send her off to LaLa Land to promote my books and toys.
And fan girls will all love me and send me sweets and jelly,
And all the geeks identify with the lady with the belly,
I’ll be the man behind the curtain, it’ll be my cross to bear,
While I watch the cash come rolling in, and, frankly, I won’t care!