The Tragic Tale of Albert the Octopus

Part the First

Albert the Octopus lived by himself
And spent his evenings knitting, and painting antique Delft,
He knew a girl called Angeline, a vegetarian shark,
Who lived at the YW, just north of Regent’s Park.

One day there came a trawler, a trawling on the sea,
Which swept poor Albert in its nets, as neat as neat can be,
And took him to the breaker’s yard as dolphin-friendly tuna,
But sold him twice for half the price as sea-fresh chicken bhoona.

The slaughter man raised up his knife and prepared to make a cut,
But Albert cried “Hold on, me lad”, and was taken to the hut,
Of Henry Joe, the skipper man, who owned this ocean cannery,
Who liked a sardine fillet served with watercress and granary.

“And so it seems this bloody squid is not, in fact, a fish,
Which means we cannot sell him as a fancy restaurant dish!”
So Albert paid the bill himself and went back to his apartment,
But Angeline had sold is stuff off to a store department.

Part the Second

Poor Albert said “I can’t believe, that what I’m seeing is true,
They’ve taken all my bits and bobs and only left a shoe,
I’m all alone with not a stick of furniture to my name,
And I gave my last ten dollars to that merchant of sea game!”

Just then a taxi speeded up and hurtled to a stop,
“If you are Albert Octopus get in my back seat, hop!”
And pretty soon they did arrive at the house of Angeline,
And Albert’s eyes beheld in there a most heart-warming scene.

For there he found his favourite chair, his slippers and his Delft,
And even all his favourite books were there upon the shelf,
“Oh Albert rest your weary legs from splashing in the foam,
I want you here just every day to call this place your home.”

And Albert cried a happy tear and wiped his weepy eye,
And wrapped his arms round Angeline while one hand stroked her thigh,
“I’m overjoyed to be with you and I hate to burst your bubble,
But octopi, all to a man, have wandering tentacle trouble!”
But Angeline put out the light, said: “I’m not your bloody granny,
Now get those tentacles good and hard and get them……”


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Filed under comic verse, funny poem, humorous verse, Nonsense verse

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