The Twelve Crocodiles of Christmas

I found this poem in my note book dated Christmas 2007 and it’s in my handwriting, so I must have written it. However, I have no idea what inspired it!

On the First Day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
A crocodile with a brass key.

On the Second Day of Christmas the catalogue sent to me,
Two special offers and a crocodile with a weak knee.

On the Third Day of Christmas the taxman sent to me,
Three final notices, two VAT returns and a crocodile with a mug of tea.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my agent sent to me,
Four leading ladies, three crappy walk-ons, two arty nude scenes and a crocodile with a honey bee.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas the Co-op sent to me,
Five turkey burgers, four Soya rissoles, three orange cupcakes, two egg-free wafers, and a crocodile from the Foot o’ Dee.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas the garage sent to me,
Six stabilisers, five shock absorbers, four dangle-dicers, three windscreen wipers, two navigators and a crocodile from the BBC.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas the paper sent to me,
Seven screaming headlines, six news exclusives, five kiss-and-tells, four nude exposés, three investigations, two sports reporters and a crocodile on the telly.

On the Eight Day of Christmas the butcher sent to me,
Eight pigeon pies, seven sausage rolls, six gigot chops, five potted meats, four frying steaks, three bacon rashers, two chicken portions and a crocodile filleted for tea.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas the jeweller sent to me,
Nine jewelled tiaras, eight golden watches, seven silvers lockets, six Baby Gees, five crappy chains, four Noddy watches, three silver bears, two carriage clocks and a crocodile desperate to pee.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas the toy shop sent to me,
Ten teddy bears, nine X-box games, eight Triang Trains, seven Barbie Dolls, six tommy guns, five Tele-Tubbies, four Fimble dolls, three Purves puppets, two bouncing balls and crocodile drinking herbal tea.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my banker sent to me,
Ten overdrafts, nine service charges, eight credit cards, seven car insurers, six cash machines, five Tessa terms, four savings bonds, three bankers cards, two guarantees and a crocodile with a TV.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas the bailiffs took from me,
Twelve TV sets, eleven bonus bonds, ten teddy bears, nine Barbie dolls, eight pigeon pies, seven silver bears, six crappy chains, five toilet rolls, four Tele-Tubbies, three tax demands, two gigot chops and the crocodile on the Christmas tree.

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Filed under comic verse, funny poem, humorous verse, whimsy

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